Dear Global Warming,
We hear you are going to be back in town soon, and we are super pumped! It has been way too long and we have a lot of catching up to do. Your buddy AL GORE tells us that you have been up in the polar ice caps or something like that, but we find it hard to believe the man who invented the internet... we never believe anything we read on the internet... unless of course its a rumor about a new Lindsay Lohan Nipple slip photo! We just figure you took another trip to South Africa to work at that “resort” again. Oh and that note; please tell whoever that girl is with the French accent to stop calling us in the middle of the night from your cell.
You have been ever so missed; this excessively long winter and its destructive weather is becoming quite a pain in the buttocks. Our spring blooms are deader than Jessie Spano’s career, and the poor Bradford pears look like they have gone back into hibernation. Yes, we are blaming you, but we’re doing it because we care so don't get discouraged. Get your bum back here quick, people are eager to being their summer travel, but we certainly can’t hit the beach without you big fella.
Oh and hey when you finally get back in town bud we need to warn you that there have been some “scientist” saying some real mean things about you. A couple of these guys have even said that you have it in for us... Ok so we really don’t want to listen to these jerks, but man they have us second guessing. We're cool right? You aren't planning to sabotage our jobs or stealing our wives are you?
And more than that, you know for some of us it all comes down to the Benjamin’s. If you start costing us more money, than we may have to excommunicate you. Something it appears we are willing to do if we have too. Of course it may cost us more in the short run, but we will probably be better off financially without you in the long run....at least that what the politicians say. I know you see your demise coming around soon, but don't lose heart. I mean we have got to be due for another ice age soon, and I’m guessing even an ice age will be too much for you. Funny enough it’s those same “scientists” that are telling us this.
Those guys seem like trouble to me, but don't worry if they try to kick you out; you can crash at our house... just don't bring your crazy friend el Niño again... last time that guy stayed he put a hole in the bathroom wall, broke my wife’s favorite lamp, puked on our Anthropology bed spread and some how we lost four of our good silver spoons. I know you won’t be able to stay long, and you have to get over to the African desert before the rainy season has a chance to start, but while you are here do you think you want to go visit your friends at GM... I know they are worried that all the money they are sinking in bio diesel may go to waste if you don't show up soon, so it would really mean a lot to them if you could put in appearance, even if you only give them a quick "how’s your uncle" and grab a cup of coffee I am sure they will be ecstatic to have you.
Oh, and let me thank you for sparing us the hurricanes last year. I know the naysayers' were saying last summer was going to be worse than the infamous Ivan/Katrina year, but we appreciate the lack of tropical activity last year. If you could do so again this year, that would be sweet… thanks.
Real quick before we go, we just want to say we are worried. Let’s face it, people are saying some pretty ugly things about you and to tell the truth we don't think it’s cool. If this keeps up people will be hunting you down with pitch forks and torches like you’re Mel Gibson or something; so we have come up with five easy steps to regain your good name, and put an end to all this doom and gloom talk.
1. Change your name to Global Tanning - We think a name change like that will really reinforce one of your biggest positives to the under 25 college co-ed set. You know there is nothing a college freshman wants more than a golden tan, well that and a larger credit limit from mommy and daddy, but you get the picture.
2. Lay off the polar ice caps. Melting icebergs don't look too great...even during the summer. Start targeting less popular locales like the Australian deserts.
3. Carbon Offsets! All the hip kids are trying to reduce > their footprints these days by purchasing carbon offsets... nothing says "I care about the environment" like purchasing theoretical offsets of carbon emissions, just ask your pal ALGORE.
4. Be consistent. Don't show up for a week in January, then leave, and then come back in June. Likewise, don't show up for 10 years, and then be gone for 10 years. We recommend showing up for a few months straight then take a long break during the cooler months.
5. Finally man you need to go green... people have this idea that you are an eco-enemy so you need to prove that you are a friend of the environment... start simple recycle and replace the bulbs in your house with fluorescents, and work your way to a bio diesel car or maybe solar panels on your roof... whatever it takes to let everyone else know what we know... that your not a bad dude and your are totally environmentally conscious.
Alright champ we are eager to see you; we have the table set for three and your favorite hard cider in the fridge. Take luck man and we will see you soon.
Adam and Jeremy