Saturday, May 5, 2007

Adam Says: Deadly Pandemic Threatens Richmond

Experts all across Richmond are warning residents about a devastating pandemic that threatens to assault our fair city this summer. The ailment is known as "Friday Cheers" disease, or the "Tiki Bob" disease; doctors are warning us that this disease could be more dangerous than the Bird Flu, Polio, and an episode of Dr. Phil combined! The symptoms of this dangers ailment are rather obvious, and if you see someone displaying them you need to run as fast and far as you can, and then hail a cab and take it twice that far before you will be safe.

Some of the symptoms include:
  • unnaturally orange skin
  • clothing three sizes too small for their disproportionately large rear
  • popped collars
  • Listens to Q94
  • excessive amounts of "product" in ones hair
  • a vacant glassy gaze that continues even while the individual blathers on about nothing at all for more than fifteen minutes
  • a strong desire to be at any and all outdoor events that serve alcohol
  • an inability to exist outside of the "pack"
  • obnoxiously flashy "designer" sun glasses that may at no time lose contact with the wearers head in some form or fashion
  • an unsettling willingness to talk about nothing but themselves
  • a complete dearth of cultural knowledge on any topic not related to beer pong or dancing on poles
  • disappears from October to April
  • A large black hole were their soul once resided
  • Last but not least consumes abnormally large amounts of beer and other adult beverages

Unfortunately there is no cure for this devastating disease, but it can be momentarily suppressed by rain. Thankfully the rain helped us avoid a full blown outbreak of the "Friday Cheers" disease today; because the effects of having an out break at the race track and Brown's Island may have been too much for even the most healthy Richmonder to take.

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