Dear, Lindsay, Nicole, Britney, Christina, Paris, and Nikki,
Ladies we have a problem; you girls are falling apart and Americas youth are starting to notice! Not long ago you women stood as van guard for young women; your whorish appearance, hilarious hijinx, and not a girl not yet a woman routine were text book examples of what a young girl should aspire to.
Britney your “I am a virgin” bit was amazing; the way you swung it out in every ones face while you shook your assets in that little school girl outfit… my goodness no one has even come close to matching that genius. Oh and Christina you were not to be out done by one of your Mouseketeer alum where you? If Britney wore body glitter you wore KY jelly, if Britney stripped down to her bathing suit your stripped down to your birthday suit; seriously millions of young ladies looked for you for inspiration when they were picking out costumes and make up for their “Pimp N Ho” parties.
Lindsay, you my dear out shone them booth… while Britney and X-tina had already cornered the market on hooker make up and tramp stamps you took the game to a whole new level.; no way were you going to cornered into the sweet innocent child actor/family movie star role. No, by sixteen the whole world knew how many freckles where on you most obvious surgical enhancements, and by eighteen you were already trying to kick a Jack Daniels and Speed Ball habit that was costing you more money a night than the entire GDP of Ecuador (Paris, GDP stands for Gross Domestic Pro… oh forget it.) Taking your cues from those crazy Girls Gone Wild chicks you were showing every little “tweener” how a respectable young woman should “get down” while out on the town.
Oh Paris, Nicole, and Nikki don’t think we have forgotten you. It was so cute the way you girls would pick little “fights” with each other and then make up the next day, so girlie, and just adorable how you did lines of blow off some unknown models abs while double fisting Sparks, and best of all it was just so cuddly the way you would show your fuzziest parts to the whole world so they could feel like they were tight with you like a skuzzy “movie director” with a night vision camera. I almost forgot how cool it was that you played dumb on all those TV shows so that those little girls who look up to you would not have to feel pressured into putting work into their education and instead could go work on something more productive, like their tans. Man what girl wouldn’t want to grow up to be just like you!
Those were the heydays ladies and we miss them, how can the female 6 – 16 set look up to you now? Britney you have been pregnant twice, gotten a divorce and gone crazy… that is so not the Britney we remember in those “Slave for You” videos. Christina has gone all “respectable,” a husband and baby on the way, what’s next a black lab and white picket fence? (Heaven Help US!) Rehab Lindsay? Come on any half-talent-pseudo-soul/pop-star from England can tell you that rehab is for losers. Paris you and Nicole can’t seem to burry the hatchet. Nicole is knocked up and you’ve been in and out and back into jail more times than my Argentinean-crack-dealing-gun-smuggling pen-pal. Oh and poor little Nikki I almost forgot about you, but I am sure you will excuse me, because so has the rest of America. Seriously the only way you could get back on the cover of US Weekly is by killing your sister.
Girls we need to correct course. Jessica Simpson is starting to ho herself out with that John Mayer kid and people talking. Hillary Duff is getting down to an Olsen weight (well if you combine both of them fully clothed and soaking wet), and this Ferggie woman is corrupting the minds our little ladies with her insane implants and fugly facial expressions. These are seriously dark times and if we don’t do something about it a whole generation of girls will grow up without knowing how to hold your head their head up while hitting the hash pipe, or how to put on just enough eye make up to make them look like David Bowie circa Ziggy Star Dust (So cool!) or what “fire crotch” means or how to spread their legs just so when exciting a car so everyone can know exactly what religion they are. This won’t do… we can’t stand another moment of AJ and Ally or the Disney Channel. To sum it up… yeah you ladies were complete skanks, but at least you were an innocent variety of skank and in these dubious times that counts for a lot. We miss you and hope you all make it back soon.
People Concerned for the Future of Americas Youth