Dear Iran,
Way to go guys! First let us congratulate you on your excellent foreign policy. It must have taken months of planning and implantation to be able to capture the British Marines like you did, and then letting them go because you are such a nice guy... well that’s the coup de gras, what a brilliant plan of warfare!
We are quite certain that the world will respect you now! Nothing like taking someone’s lunch mone... we mean soldiers to garner the respect you so desperately desire. Oh and don’t worry about those nay-sayers that claim your bastardization of Islam will cause the rest of the world to view it as a militant semi-political religiously fundamental army that is bent on destroying all of western culture and bring about the return of the twelfth Imam. Nah... They will no doubt see your actions as just an out growth of Islam’s peaceful path towards heaven... or however that is supposed to work for you guys... we fell asleep frequently in our world religions class.
We must also congratulate your leadership, who seem completely sane, sensible and rational, not since Adolph Hi...we mean Aristotle have we seen such brilliant minds at play in the political arena.
And we most commend your other recent international relations; they have been far above superior. The record speaks for itself. Almost getting banned from the World Cup for claiming the Holocaust never happened. Flipping the bird to all the UN inspectors that investigate your uranium research. Sending insurgents and weapons into Iraq to kill all those really bad and mean coalition forces... how dare they try to bring peace and equality to a nation! Oh and we are particularly bemused by your domestic policy, I mean I am sure “W” and Tony “B-lair” are at home right now smacking themselves over the head because they didn’t think of torturing and killing any citizen that doesn’t agree with them! That’s top flight guys, no way will you have any problems at home with that kind of iron fisted, and yet sound rule.
We know how hard it is to be a third world country, a lot of countries have done far worse than you with the moniker (Somalia), but honestly you can't let it get you down. How about this we send you some of our great commodities, like Coke Zero, self check out, the Designated Hitter, and the Pussy Cat Dolls... and you stop your silly little nuclear weapons program. Sure sure we know that you feel like having a big bomb will get you respect, but history may have some well tested wisdom for you. Remember Napoleon was a little guy who couldn’t get respect and so was Hitler; so what did they do? You guessed it, they tried to take over the world, and we don’t want to be pesamistic, but both of them fell pretty hard in the end, and seeing as we are friends and all we would hate to see you fall into that same trap.
Ok, Ok, so we can't get you to stop, but can we at least get you to shut up... I mean you’re like a drunk sorority girl on spring break... you get louder and louder with every "panty dropper" but you never say anything... and all we get out of it is the stench of your breath and the creepy feeling that you are picturing us naked in bath full of marshmallows and jello. I mean the whole, "we have your soldiers" thing was not cool, and all this talk of destroying Israel and brining on the end of the world... also not cool... we for one are really content with our new bio diesel Jetta and Nintendo Wii and would like a little more time to enjoy it...so could you at least spare us all the apocalyptic rhetoric and quite down so we can listen to the new Modest Mouse CD without you hanging on us like drunk circus monkey on a tilt-a-whirl.
Best Wishes,
Adam and Jeremy
P.S. We totally know that you have been messing around with Syria behind our backs, but we are not going to make a big deal out it because she is kind of a skank anyways. So she is all yours brother. Just don’t use the same straw when your sharing a frosty… trust us on this one.
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